Many new step-parents find it challenging when they realise that the instant family they now have lacks the history and depth that traditional families do. By definition, these step-parents may be part of a family unit, yet emotionally it might not feel that way yet for all family members.
Over time, though, the family identity establishes itself naturally as each family member gets to understand each other better. However, if you are a step-parent who is keen to establish a positive family identity sooner, starting family traditions and routines can help.
Family traditions are helpful because they communicate the idea that “This is what our family does”. The routine element of family traditions also serves to promote a sense of family stability and security.
To assist you in building a strong foundation for a positive family identity in your home, here are five examples of traditions and routines that you can start today and start benefiting from.
Routinely Refer to Yourselves as a “Family”
Your stepchildren may need some time to accept that you, their parent, and themselves are now a family. To help ease the transition for the children, make sure you and your partner refer to yourselves as a family when together with the children. For example, “It’s great to enjoy this family time together” or “Let’s watch a family movie together”.
Once you have heard your stepchild refer to yourselves as a family, you have passed a major milestone in establishing your family identity.
If your partner’s ex-spouse is still involved in the children’s life, reinforce to the children that the family you have together does not replace the family they still have with their other biological parent. Not only will this create less confusion for your stepchildren, it will also ease what may be a sensitive issue for your partner’s ex.
Make Dinner Time a Family Event
Make a commitment with yourself and your partner that your family will eat together at the table each night you are home together. This is a wonderful chance to engage and communicate as a family unit, so ensure that the television, mobile phones and handheld games are switched off. Involve everyone by giving each family member a regular task in the preparation or clearing of the meal.
In our home, we also take turns in selecting the music to accompany our meal each night, which adds to the ambiance, enjoyment and conversation around the table.
Have Regular Time Alone With Your Step-Kids
Although regular alone-time is a simple way to strengthen bonds with your stepchildren, it’s easily overlooked due to pressures with time. If it’s not possible to schedule a regular hour alone with the children doing something fun, find a way to incorporate alone-time during your regular routines. Consider scheduling specific nights where you help the children with their homework, or being the designated driver for some of their activities, or going shopping together.
However you choose to spend your alone-time with the children, try to take advantage of the opportunities that it brings for conversation, and try to make it enjoyable both for you and the kids.
Use a Reward System for Good Behaviour
A reward system that is structured and consistent not only helps to build self-confidence in a child, but can also promote respect and confidence in the person who is doing the rewarding.
For small children, a simple Star Chart can be used, with a prize given when the child receives their 10th star for exceptional behaviour. When awarding a star or prize, help the child to fully appreciate why he or she is being rewarded, and enthusiastically congratulate him or her in front of the siblings and parent.
For older kids, receiving pocket money in exchange for doing chores and meeting responsibilities can work well. Rather than providing a list to your stepchildren, have them sit down with you and your partner to work out exactly what the chores and responsibilities will be and how much money they will receive. Write the list down on paper and hang it where the children can easily view it. It’s important that your stepchildren understand that if they don’t do what you have all agreed on, they won’t receive their pocket money.
Hold “Family Meetings”
If you’d like the input or attention of your stepchildren on a family matter, don’t just ask them for it, but call together a “Family Meeting” to discuss it. An official family meeting adds reverence to the importance of every family member’s opinion, and reminds the children that you are all part of a family unit.
Your stepchildren will probably appreciate being involved in family decisions, and may even feel empowered to be thought of as children whose input and ideas are sought after and valued.
If you start your own family traditions, be prepared to be surprised – the results just may be more pleasant and swift than you expect.
Katalina Hill - Katalina is a beach-side living full-time freelance writer from Sydney, Australia. After a 15 year career in corporate sales and ...
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