You are probably feeling somewhat nervous at the prospect of your first meeting with your partner’s children, otherwise it’s unlikely you’d be reading this article right now.
But the fact that you are nervous, or just inquisitive enough to be reading this article, is a wonderful thing. This means that you care! Caring about having a good relationship with your partner’s children means you are already on your way to building one.
Why we get nervous when we are being introduced to our partner’s children
Many people are surprised to discover just how nervous they are when they’re about to meet their partner’s children for the first time. In my case, I found it even more nerve wracking than a job interview.
The main reason we feel nervous is simply because we want the children to like us. There’s an element of fear in us, which says ‘if his/her children don’t like me, he/she will think badly of me’. When we desire for our partner to have good impressions of us, it is quite natural to then want their close family and friends to as well.
So, you’re normal. Relax a bit!
Here’s the bad news, and then the good news
Before you even meet, you are already at a disadvantage to having your partner’s children like you.
The children of divorced parents often find their loyalties tugged between Mum and Dad, and these children can feel that they are doing something wrong if they like you.
Perhaps the children had been introduced to a partner before you. What they experienced during their relationship with this person, and how they felt once that person was no longer in their life, will have an effect on how they view the prospect of their parent’s newest partner.
Then there is the archetypical image of the wicked stepmother, a popular version of which is still read to toddlers at bedtime. The prevalence of this negative stereotype in our culture is very surprising considering how many stepparents there are in fact out there.
But, the good news is, if you truly do want to have a warm and loving relationship with your partner’s children, you will have it. As long as you give it time and allow the relationship to develop at its natural pace, your desire to establish this harmonious relationship will naturally bring out from you the actions and words to support it.
We often state ‘you only get one chance at a first impression’ and it is no less true for children than adults. The first meeting however isn’t the be-all and end-all of your relationship with your partner’s children. If it goes well though, it certainly assists in creating a strong foundation for your relationship with the kids. To help you along, here are some tips for a positive first meeting.
Do practice good greeting manners
By adulthood, we all pretty much know how to properly greet someone when we’re introduced. Just because we are being introduced to a young person doesn’t mean our standards of manners should change.
Look the child in the eye, smile and tell them you are pleased to meet them.
If you would like to shake hands then extend your hand.
If the child is not receptive to your greeting, don’t make it into a big deal. Laughing it off and saying something like “that’s OK, I don’t always like saying hello either” can help put the child (and your partner) at ease.
Do be engaged and interested
The first meeting needs to be more about the child and less about you. That’s why this tip is not called “Be engaging and interesting”.
The first time you meet, your goal is simply to make the child feel comfortable enough around you to be able to talk to you with ease. This is where the art of good conversation comes in handy.
Find out what their likes are, how things are going at school, and tell them about the things that you have in common.
Children are afraid of the dark because they are afraid of the unknown. Being engaged and interested stops you from being an unknown in their eyes.
Don’t force affection
Your partner is probably just as keen as you are for speedy bonding between you and the children. However it is important that your partner (and you) refrains from pushing the children into behaviours or words that are not yet natural to them.
One example is that the children should not be forced to greet you with a kiss if they do not want to, otherwise they may feel threatened and under attack.
When affectionate behaviour or words are given under duress the chances of it coming naturally in the future (when they are too big to be forced) is stifled.
It’s much better to let affection come naturally, and some kids just aren’t the affectionate type anyway. Likewise, don’t feel that you have to feign affectionate behaviours towards the children. You don’t have to, and neither do they.
Relax and have fun
The most important thing to do is to try to relax and make your first meeting enjoyable – for yourself as well as for the children. If it is at all possible to do a fun activity together, then make sure this happens. After all, nothing breaks down barriers and creates bonds quicker than having fun and sharing a laugh with someone!
Katalina Hill - Katalina is a beach-side living full-time freelance writer from Sydney, Australia. After a 15 year career in corporate sales and ...
